the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
