I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
