If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
