woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
