you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
