my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
