Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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