Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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