Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
