who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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