She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
