my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
