never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
