so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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