if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
and she was petting her beer can
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Best friends brother. Beat that.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
