You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
