I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
