i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
