you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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