i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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