Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
