Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
