Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
