can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
