is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
