i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
