so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
