My girlfriend figured out who you are.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
