I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
