I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
