I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
