it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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