I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
