Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
