My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My butt remains clenched, sir.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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