I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
