sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
