Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
