my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
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so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
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i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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