I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
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