My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I supernannyed him into submission
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
