my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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