The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
