i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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