I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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