i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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