I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
