He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
