thus making me awesome and them whores
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
