im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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