you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
