Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
