I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
