I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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