My first STD was from a foam party
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
