So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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