i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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