Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
