we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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