I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
