Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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