Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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