my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
