i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
